“I feel like I am walking on eggshells” is often how loved ones and family members describe the difficult path of navigating talking about food and body image with someone who is struggling with or in recovery from an eating disorder.
Knowing what to say and what not to say can feel overwhelming and confusing. Often well-intended comments or feedback are misunderstood or could even be hurtful.
The suggestions below include ways to overcome some of the common communication roadblocks that come up in recovery.
Try to avoid giving feedback about changes in appearance during the process of recovery.
“You look healthy”, “You look so much better”, or even “You were way to thin before” may seem like appropriate things to say to someone who is in recovery from their eating disorder. However your loved one may be working hard to adjust to the changes in their appearance and drawing attention to these changes may feel triggering and uncomfortable.
Gaining weight is not easy for anyone but is especially hard for someone recovering from an eating disorder. If your loved one asks for feedback about their appearance feel free to let them know that you don’t feel comfortable giving them feedback about their body or weight. You could also focus on non-weight related aspects of their appearance “your hair looks beautiful today” or “blue is a great color on you”. Even better would be to give them positive feedback on other qualities or traits that you admire “I am proud of how hard you are working on yourself”.
Please don’t comment on their food.
“Did you eat enough today?”, “Is that on your meal plan?”, “Are you sure you are supposed to eat that” would be some examples of food comments to avoid. All these comments will be triggering to someone with an eating disorder. It is completely normal and appropriate to feel concerned or afraid of potential setbacks in recovery. This is why it is essential to have a team of professionals you trust.
If you are concerned about their food intake please address these concerns with their dietician and treatment team. That doesn’t mean you can’t check in with your concerns. “Are you doing okay today?”, “Is there anything I can do to support you in your recovery”, or even sharing your own feelings with a statement like “I feel scared of us having a setback” are alternative ways to address your concerns. Family therapy can also be a good place to address your own feelings about the ups and downs of recovery.
Please be conscious of what you say about your own body and other people’s bodies.
We live in a society that promotes publicly scrutinizing our own and other people’s bodies and appearance. I don’t think anyone benefits from this but it is especially detrimental to individuals struggling with disordered eating. Please avoid fat shaming, body bashing, etc. Try to avoid television shows and other forms of media that promote this.
According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, about 70 percent of girls grades five through 12 said magazine images influence their ideals of a perfect body. We are surrounded by it all the time but it helps to talk about it. Share how it impacts you and invite your loved one to do the same. Work on making your home a safe zone by removing magazines or other forms of media that could be triggering to your loved one.
It is also important to be conscious of what you say about your own relationship with food.
“I wish I had an eating disorder but I love food way too much”, “I wish I could lose weight like that”, or “I ate too much I need to exercise, diet, etc”. Obviously none of these comments are going to be well received by someone with an eating disorder but individuals in recovery hear them all the time.
An eating disorder is a serious mental illness. In fact, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Comments like these can be very triggering or hurtful to someone with an eating disorder. Improving your relationship with food is a great way to be a role model to a loved one in recovery. Develop intuitive eating habits, avoid dieting, and learn to honor and take care of your body.
Avoiding these common communication pitfalls will help you navigate recovery with your loved one.
Recovery from any addiction including eating disorders is rarely a straight path. Often setbacks and detours are part of the process. Please check in with your treatment team if you are having a hard time navigating any of these areas.
Also please remember to be patient and caring with yourself along this journey.
Once a person is determined to help themselves, there is nothing that can stop them.
Nelson Mandela