When I first heard someone make the comparison between nice and kind, I thought the difference between the two was merely a case of semantics. After some consideration and reflection, I realized that choosing to be kind offers us much more than focusing on being nice. I think the first step in understanding the benefits of being kind over being nice is a closer look at what both mean.
Be nice! This is a statement I have made to my children time and time again. A statement I often make before conflict ensues or escalates. The definition of being nice is being pleasant and agreeable. Being nice is an action. It is acting a certain way to gain approval or popularity. Niceness is all about not being disruptive and fitting in. We can be nice even when our internal state is anything but. Niceness is sometimes about people pleasing. If we strive to please everyone we often sacrifice being true to ourselves. Being nice in certain situations may require us to abandon or disregard our own truth.
So how is being kind different? Kindness is derived from an internal state. Kindness is a disposition. In order to be kind we need to cultivate empathy, understanding, patience, and generosity. Kindness is inclusive. We can be a kind person and set boundaries, say no, or speak up for ourselves. Kindness may or may not win us friends. Kindness is empowering, it invites us to act from our values rather than a socially prescribed construct of behavior. Sometimes choosing to be kind takes courage. Kindness requires us to consider our well-being in addition to others.
I think it is time to stop playing nice, and to focus on kindness instead. What if we encouraged our children to be kind over being nice? Less sugar and spice and everything nice and more genuine empathy, compassion, and understanding. A common misconception held about kindness is that it will be seen as weakness by others. I believe we are empowered when we live in alignment with our values. The truth is that we all value kindness and can recall times when someone’s kindness made a difference in our lives. Kindness is needed now more than ever, and we truly have nothing to lose by being kind to others.