It is rumored that when you cook crabs in a pot and one is lucky enough to be climbing his way to freedom, instead of supporting his escape, the other crabs in the pot will pull back down into the hot water with them. We may feel like we have “crabs in our pot” when we are growing and changing in positive ways. Instead of being supportive of our changes, friends and family may seem determined to undermine our progress. Often these behaviors stem from their own resistance to making positive changes in their own lives. Instead of seeing your progress as inspiration they may feel reminded of their decision to continue to engage in unhealthy behavior. This lack of support for our goals can show up as:
- Negative comments about your goals.
- Backhanded complements or downplaying your accomplishments.
- Excuses as to why they cannot do what you are doing.
- Sabotaging behaviors.
- Excluding you from social outing and activities.
- The end of a friendship or connection.
So how can we handle the crabs in our pot? Obviously, we do not want to give up our goals. Sometimes this social pressure can make us question whether the changes we are trying to make are worth the cost. I would like to reframe these circumstances as an opportunity to improve your social support and renew your commitment to your goals. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Talk about it! Have that difficult conversation about the dynamics going on in your relationship. Share why you have decided to pursue these changes and what type of support you would love to have on your journey. You may want to let friends and family know specific ways they can support you.
- Politely shut down rude or unwarranted comments. Sometimes people are unaware of the motivations behind their words and actions. If you speak up, you hold others accountable for their behavior towards you. Sometimes simply asking “what do you mean by that?” can be enough to stop rude comments in their tracks.
- Start to build support in alignment with your goals. Take the uncomfortable first steps to build friendships with people who are pursuing the same goals as you. Strike up a conversation with someone at the gym or try a new class. Making friends can be easier when you start with having common goals or interests.
- Stay focused on you! If you are being criticized or judged for making healthy changes remind yourself that you are not the problem. Change can be hard for everyone, even positive change. Keep focusing on your growth and goals. You never know who you may be inspiring with your journey. Remember why you started and make a regular habit of reviewing how far you have come.